she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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