just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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