the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Randomize
