you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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