Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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