saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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