Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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