Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
