yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
