I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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