Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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