Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
