I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
