go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
