If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
