I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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