I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
