porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
