Me too!
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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