I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
