You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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