I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
