I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
