I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
