please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
