EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
