if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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