Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
