shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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