I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
