Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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