you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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