i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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