Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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