Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
