Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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