I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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