wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
