Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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