Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
