i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
