I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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