I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Randomize
