did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
