Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
