the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
