meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
