So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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