Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
