God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
