I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
